Dear Gray, Flapping, Smelly, Cloud of Pigeons,
I don’t know who puts seed out on the sidewalk in front of my building, but I hear the food in their neighborhood in front of their building is amazing. Like pizza and cake for pigeons. You should check it out.
I will not let you give me the creeps when one of you sits on my window sill and stares in at me with that vacant, unblinking eye.
I’m pretty sure I saw gang tattoos on some of you and am certain I saw you making gang signs with your crusty little claws as you blocked my path this morning as I walked up the sidewalk. Out of courtesy, I need to tell you that there is a gang of house pets who have claimed this turf. It is only out of concern for your safety that I suggest you move to a different area before you find yourself in a rumble with the house pets.
It’s important to be aware that we have no pigeon-friendly food indigenous to the neighborhood (I know you’re pigeons and don’t understand “indigenous” – that means we don’t naturally have pigeon-friendly cuisine), so your lifestyle of depending on a seed hand-out from a stranger who passes through is not a sustainable lifestyle.
While I’ll admit to being a bit disturbed that I’ve spent this amount of time on you this morning, it’s very important for you to understand that you will not ruin my day. Nobody gets to do that.
All this being said, there really isn’t much here for you in this neighborhood. I’d be happy to make some recommendations of some lovely, trendy places in New York that are equally great, if not better.
Good day to you and I’m sure I’ll see you this evening.