I was just starting a post about those occasional reminders that one is getting old and grouchy, but then decided to just prove it, rather than talk about it.
… so – now for a message to every airline on earth:
“May I have your attention please? This is your passenger speaking.
I’m willing to bet a few million frequent flyer miles on the airline that eliminates the shrill, hearing-loss inducing, brain-paralyzing squeal in the background of your in-flight announcements, rendering said announcements unintelligible despite the cannon-fire decibel level at which you broadcast them. (If you can work on the decibel level of those announcements, that would also be great. Bonus points if you keep it to 3 interruptions or fewer during a flight.)
Crew, feel free to stop by and chat. Most of you are pretty entertaining. I’d rather get to know you that way than via intercom grandstanding.
Yes, I will be wearing a noise-canceling headset attached to my iPod for the duration of our flight. If you’re worried I’ll miss your announcements: I’m familiar with the exits, the lighted pathways in the aisle, the supplementary oxygen masks, the seat cushion as a flotation device. I will not smoke or tamper with the smoke detectors in the lavatories. I will follow all crew member instructions. Yes, I know how a seat belt works. I even know the oxygen bag will not inflate while in use.
I’m not that interested in our altitude, and will check the temperature at our destination when we land. Every pilot on earth has that same soothing, slightly bored, scratchy-sounding-like-they-just-woke-up intercom voice (by the way, why are they all dudes?).
To get this out of the way now:
– Chicken
– Ice Water (if it comes from a sealed bottle) and a Diet Coke
– No thank you on the duty-free
When I hear “bing” and see the seatbelt light on, I will check that my seat belt is fastened low across my lap. I will not stand up after landing until I hear “bing” again and the sound of the engines winding down.
And yes, I will have a great day at my port of landing, or wherever my final destination.”
