I’m a thought leader.
No. You’re not. That’s a term made up by PR firms to pitch you because you hold their budget.
I’m a Keynote speaker.
Not unless I decide you are. That’s a passive aggressive way of saying you either want to get paid or will only take the “big” speaking opportunity. Or both.
[I think we’re running out of new English words to describe people and things we’re promoting. Then again, I like when people speak in plain English, telling me what they can do, and in what areas they are expert without using jargon. While my face doesn’t hide my opinions well, at least people can’t hear the actual words going through my head when I hear certain things.]
He/she’s a subject matter expert?
That sounds like a generic to describe someone you don’t know how to describe.
He/She is a business guru.
So I’ll hate listening to that person more than I’ll hate listening to you? This sounds like someone who takes tired buzzwords, combines them in unique ways with other tired buzzwords and overexplains them dramatically while wearing a turtleneck, sporting a trendy haircut and affecting an intellectual tone of voice.
You gave a TED Talk?
Yeah, there’s one guy somewhere on Easter Island who hasn’t, and that’s only because they still haven’t found him.
[Eventually, we end up with words like Fahrvergnuegen because we just can’t get there on painting the picture we want to paint. Then the next generation shows up. They learn the drivel we’ve concocted and use it in conversation as if I, the consumer, know what it means:]
Am I a business decision maker?
I have no idea. That’s your term, not mine.
How about technical decision maker?
Still no idea.
Are you a C-Suite executive?
Where is this C-Suite? Does it have its own living room, bathroom and balcony? I don’t know if I am a C-Suite executive. I think mine is a regular office.
You say this is an exclusive opportunity?
Really? Or were you looking for an adjective to say “it’s really good”?
Oh, it’s a money-can’t-buy opportunity.
Then why are you charging me for it?
You’d like to personally invite me?
Really? Via this mail-merged generic email blast?
[Someday, maybe we’ll get back to basics, where we just say what we mean, describe things as they are and actually try to communicate something. Until then, fyi – I’ll be LOL’ing, fwiw. brb.]