[repost from July 22, 2016]
Ever wanted your own army of automatons who willingly do your bidding? It’s fun and easy! And now you can create your own mindless mob at home with:
***Bobby Bee’s Make-’em-Yourself Automaton Army kit!***
Step 1: Rent a really, really big room. The bigger the better.
Step 2: Invite a whole bunch of people to come to that room for a few days. Gotta get ’em all one place! Make sure your reason sounds really good! Now you have a decision to make about your automatons’ group personality:
— If you want them to be a bunch of jerks who brag to their friends about being in your room of people, promise them an exciting, one-time-only experience. Tell them they’re in a ‘special club’!
— If you want them to be a bunch of self-righteous know-it-alls, tell them you have something really, really important to tell them, but you can only tell them as a group. Don’t say too much about the Important Thing or they won’t show up!
Step 3: Once they get into the room, get them warmed up and feeling good. If you have extra money from your allowance, get oxygen tanks and pump some extra O2 in through the air vents. Get ’em dancing and moving around – that gets the oxy-filled blood flowing. You really want to anchor some emotional reactions in them, and feeling physically great helps! Color and light are important – if you can flash lights, great – otherwise a giant screen with flashing pictures, slogans, and rapidly-changing color sequences is cool! Gotta get that conscious mind switched off, off, off!
Step 4: Now that you have them warmed up, you have a decision to make. What negative emotion do you want to hammer into them while they’re feeling good?
— Fear and anger are the emotional sugar rush. They’re super powerful, but can flame out fast, so make good use of the high! Fear and anger work best for creating a lynch mob or mayhem-causing crowd who will need to defy their individual beliefs. Tip: Make sure your music is energetic and dance-worthy! Gotta get those endorphins flowing!
— Guilt is cool too! It’s more of the slow-burning emotional carbohydrate that keeps energy flowing a long time. Works best if you want a ‘socially conscious’ Army – you want ’em feeling so bad they’ll do anything to feel worthy of the air they breathe. Tip: Make sure your music is nostalgic and deeply moving!
Step 5: It’s almost time to start programming your Automaton Army! Your going to give a speech, so practice up! While they’re waiting for you, remind them of their deepest longings. Ideally, make a video about yourself that presents you as an amazing person who loves your Army. Tip: For the fear crowd, make sure you look powerful! For the Guilt crowd, make sure you seem really nice. Don’t worry about making everything in your video true – they don’t care. They just want a cool set up for the character they’re about to meet.
Step 6: Your speech. Okay, now you have to do this next part with a completely straight face. This is VERY important. Make sure you speak in short phrases with easy-to-understand words! First, paint a vivid picture of The Consequences:
— Militant Army: Stoke their fear!! Think of scary stuff and blame it on other people! Make ’em suspicious of their friends and neighbors – there’s danger everywhere! Tip: Fear of being embarrassed is a fun one to use with this kind of Army. Try it!
— Socially-conscious Army: Think of super sad stuff- Like injured puppies and starving dolphins. Then make sure you blame your Army for all that sad stuff. Make them feel really super duper guilty! Shame and embarrassment work great! Tip: Pictures of a skinny creature that can barely move work well with this crowd. Don’t forget to have some flies buzzing around in the picture! Tip 2: Get a couple of people they like to give short speeches first. Your Army will confuse you with them and like you even if you’re a jerk!
Step 6: You’re almost done! Time to give your Army their instructions! Tell them you are their only hope of avoiding The Consequences! Get them to vocally agree to something in unison! Get them to cheer for things! Anything will do! Tip: Ask a series questions that have obvious ‘yes’ answers with increasing levels of personal commitment involved. You can also have them yell a short phrase together repeatedly. Even better if you do both! This is the programming – don’t be shy! Don’t worry about whether you make sense – by this point – they don’t care!!!
Step 8: The ending. Tell them they are super important. They are just like you now. Tell them they have special powers now to Save the World, from The Consequences – especially their family and friends. Tell them nothing on earth is more important than their mission to save others. They should repeat the magical phrases and ‘yes’ statements as often as possible, anywhere possible.
Step 9: Snap ’em out of it. Have some fun with this part! They are part of your army now! Drop balloons! Play happy music! Smile and wave! Have a party! Make them remember all of this as a few important days of innocent fun!
Make sure to check with mom and dad before you try this! Automatons can be dangerous!
Send me $27.00 if you want to be part of Bobby Bee’s Secret Army and learn more tricks you can play!